You are heavenly, amazing, heck – downright orgasmic. I would go as far as to say the adjectives “heavenly”, “amazing” - even “orgasmic” are vast understatements to make when it comes to expressing how I feel about you. You have been my stress buster, my social helper, my loyal friend, and the most satisfying lover I have ever known. I still remember my Pre Exam days, when you’d be there for me in the form of mouthwateringly delicious cheese pizza – your sharp aroma alone could calm my nerves instantly – and your taste. Oh God, your taste. You would work your magic all over my mouth – all 10,000 taste buds never failed to explode in passion and delight - screaming for more, more and more until I exhausted you. To top it all of, you’d be there waiting for me in the form of delectable creamy vanilla ice cream anxious to celebrate with me after my exams – a thought so comforting that at times, I wouldn’t really care whether I passed or failed them. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I cannot stress my gratitude enough.
However, in as much as I do love you – obsessively in fact, it is with great hesitancy and enormous sadness to admit that we can no longer continue this love affair. It seems every time we see each other, I am left with a string of disappointments and regret. You have caused excruciatingly painful stomach cramps, severe nausea, embarrassing sessions of flatulence and for the oddest reason - times of unrelenting constipation as well as times of exceedingly loose bowel movements. Yesterday’s dinner date reaffirms my belief that we were meant to live separately. Once again, I could not resist your late night presence – white cheese popcorn and two heavy slabs of Brooklyn white cheese pizzas. You came. I swallowed. I was satisfied beyond comprehension. I slept easy for I believed everything would be all right. Little did I know that my decision to trust you would prove to be so blatantly stupid the following morning. I can’t believe I made myself believe you’d treat me better this time compared to all the rest. Well… surprise, surprise - you didn’t.
I don’t understand why you keep doing this to me. Today was the worst I ever felt. I woke up this morning and realized you were gone – the only remanence of you being with me at all were the sharp pangs of pain I felt in my stomach and the cold sweat that followed after. I don’t want to go into detail to describe how the remainder of the day felt like, but believe me – it was terrible.
Although It depresses me that I can no longer act on the love I so greatly have for you, Logic tells me that it is better this way. I will undoubtedly hunger for your comforting presence in the future, but it is with the help of great willpower and logic that I will say “NO”. I am headstrong about making sure that I do anything possible to prevent this situation from happening again.
I’m sorry, but I have learned how to say enough is enough. We are over.
Thea – your lactose intolerant ex-lover.